When I quit the Ministry

When I quit the Ministry

(Updated: Please note that I wrote this about 3 years ago and do not feel this way at present. What happened is... I chickened out from posting it. Haha

So, here goes... now that I’ve had some distance from the situation and can further attest to the truth that our emotions need not rule us. Keep walking...)

About a month ago I quit. I was out walking with my pastor husband and we were both discouraged over many things. Not just things related to the ministry but that was certainly part of it.

 I was really struggling with feelings of inadequacy (a week later at a pastor/wife retreat I heard the statistic that 84% of pastor’s wives feel inadequate), I wasn't sleeping due to anxiety over these things and really allowing fears and worry to settle in at night when my mind could get carried away. Inadequate as a mother, friend, pastor's wife. So, I quit. For about 40 minutes, while walking with my husband, I was free from the life I had always known. 

Then, he sent me to my room because I had to prepare a baby shower. 

I was so tired. Tired of the rigorous schedule of Cantata, Easter, Missions conference, and more all piled into one month. I have a lot of kids left that I'm trying to home educate, and I have grown kids that I miss so much and then there is the truth: I'm not equip to even be a pastor’s wife! I have not gone to Bible school. I was working while David was in seminary, and we had three babies during that time. I can't quote verses easily to others after every paragraph they speak. I forget to pray every time someone talks to me. I get my theological terms mixed up. My older kids are  beyond me in doctrinal conversation by the time they are 12. Seriously, they get to talking with David in the living room and someone has to go get dinner started. I tend to run on practicalities. Hey, it’s what gets us to church multiple times a week. 

Lack of sleep does mess with you, but I needed the time in the Word preparing for that shower. I needed to study and bring it to some sort of conclusion even though my feelings were  DRY and NUMB at present. I felt guilty presenting the message because I was so discouraged as a Christian right then.  But in the back of my head, I knew I needed to keep walking. 

While being a pastor's wife isn't an elevated position by any means, there are some things about it that some may not realize. With my family in church, I have to have some focus on “sermon outcome” and it is difficult to make friends because they might leave you. Now, a true friend will say they are still your friend and that is very true! However, it still leaves you with no one you can talk to because they might only be at your church for a little while.

I am afraid it was bad enough to be noticed. I've said some snarky things in the last 8 weeks. (Only in the last 8weeks?;) I did unload on my mom a bit and sent a few panicked private messages to a friend. Several older ladies came and talked to me after church and lovingly encouraged me to keep on- and they didn't pry. Just encouraged. We are in a very forgiving and loving church body. I know that most of the discouragement I felt was from the enemy and Each day tried to put one foot in front of the other. 

I am going to keep walking. Just one foot in front of the other. I didn't feel like going to church and facing those people. They are going through hard times right now too. Worse than my feelings of inadequacy and dullness. Cancer, loss, pain. How can I even feel this way when others have so much going on. Who can even relate? My friends who are pastor's wives are too busy. I don't even know who my friends are. Actually David and I both have trouble making friends. I know that God is enough.

So, I kept walking. Kept doing the next thing- usually getting ready for church. After a few weeks, God gave me some sleep. We did try to continue eating right and doing the next thing that was right and then I began to feel a little better. I saw God’s faithfulness. The things I taught at the shower were coming true. And I feel closer to God again. 

1 Thes. 5:8-11But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation. For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, that whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him.

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.